How to offer support to a grieving colleague

Mum died two weeks ago.

It was expected. But I’ve been startled at how the grief has gripped me.

Welling up in the supermarket when I saw her favourite brand of gluten free biscuits yesterday. Waking at 3am, betumbled from a dream about her when I was five years old. Bone deep exhaustion at 1pm every day, when I should be at my desk working, but can only face a couch and a cat on my lap. Feeling completely fine one day and then most definitely not fine the next.

This grief is a dense, persistent fog, gently encircling my heart.

But along with this heart-heavy mist, love and compassion have arrived too. I’ve been enveloped not only by the care of whānau and friends, but also by people in my professional life.

The flowers from a colleague and a candle from another. The understanding and flexibility of a client when I cancelled my speaking engagement at the last moment. The way my team sprang into action during my rebrand launch when I was bedside with Mum in her last days.

It’s got me thinking…

How can we support a colleague (particularly if you’re their leader) when they experience grief and loss?

Bereavement and loss is a universal experience. But it’s something that many of us aren’t sure how to navigate at work. As far as difficult conversations go, it’s up there with the most challenging.

So, as someone who is in the grips of it, here’s what I think helps. These tips are based on both my own current experience and what the research says:

1. Support them to process grief in a way that feels right to them.People grieve differently. Apparently, there’s even different grieving styles: Intuitive grievers are more likely to visibly show how they’re feeling and may feel more comfortable expressing or discussing their emotions. (That’s me, btw.) An Instrumental griever, on the other hand, is less likely to outwardly express their emotions. They may not display the ‘expected’ signs of grief, like crying or becoming visibly upset. They’re more comfortable expressing their grief by doing something – like taking on physical work, beginning a new project or throwing themselves back into their work. (That is most definitely my husband!) Just because they look different, doesn’t mean both of these people aren’t experiencing loss.
2. Reach out. It goes without saying that if you’re their leader, when you first hear of the news, immediately reach out. Acknowledge the situation and offer to support them in any way they need. In those early days, sending something like flowers (or a meal delivery service or voucher) from the team lets that person know you’re all thinking of them. Rather than asking questions, it might be better to say something like: “I’m thinking of you”, “I’m holding you in my thoughts”, and “I’ll check in from time to time.” Don’t expect a response in those initial days.

3. Let them keep a locus of control. The day after Mum died, I chose to keep my commitment to a long-term executive team client and facilitate their workshop in Wellington.  The CPO was surprised and let me know that there was no pressure from them, but that they “would support my decision and welcome and care for me if I decided to go ahead”. Actually, this helped me. They are a team I know well and love working with, so I knew I was amongst a supportive group. The day enabled me to get away from the deep grief that I had been experiencing the week prior as Mum died. And I appreciate how they supported my decision.

   Enabling the person to have a locus of control might look like:

   • Working with them to form a plan to return to work. (Phased? Part time? Increased flexibility?)
   • Asking them what ideal support for them looks like both now and when they return to work.
   • Checking whether they actually want colleagues to know about certain aspects of the bereavement (Some may wish to keep it private.)
   • Proactively working with them to consider how they can manage difficult moments at work where they may need to take time out.
   • Looking at whether there is a designated colleague who they are close to, or who they trust, through which important information could be communicated so that they can avoid multiple communications from different sources.
4. Listen. Deeply and with empathy. Just being with someone when they are in this state and listening with empathy can be hugely comforting. I love this short sketch with Brene Brown on the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Some things that are less helpful include:

1. Ignoring them (especially if you work closely with this person). You might worry that you’ll say the wrong thing or that you don’t know what to say. You might feel uncomfortable with the difficult emotion of grief. Don’t let that stop you from reaching out. Take your cues from them.
2. Comparison. Going into a long description of what helped when you lost someone. Saying “I know how you feel” will probably make them think, “No, you don’t.”  Even my own experience of grief has differed depending on who I have lost. The grief of losing my father has been quite different to that of losing my mother.
3. Platitudes. “Time heals all wounds”, “They’re in a better place”, “This too shall pass” and other common, meaningless platitudes about grief can invalidate that person’s feelings. It’s better to keep it simple: “I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m thinking of you” or “I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you.”
4. Rushing them through the grief. This grief thing is a mad ride. It follows different timelines, comes in waves and is never really over. There should never be any pressure on anyone to work through the stages in any particular pattern or timeframe.

Effective leadership means encountering and supporting others to move through the full range of human experiences. Grief is among one of the most challenging emotions a person will experience, but what other people around us do and don’t do during this time can make a significant difference. And I am grateful to those in my professional world who have done just that.